Placebo Buttons

A placebo button is a button that, when pushed, does nothing other than make the button pusher feel like he has effected change.

A famous example is the "close door" button in an elevator. Does pushing it actually close the doors, or do the doors close according to their programmed cycle, anyway? Certainly, pushing the button makes you feel like you have done something, but whether you actually have or not can only be determined by experimentation.

The Museum of Hoaxes blog busts the myth that all cross-walk buttons are placebos. Some are, some aren't, some never were but are now.

This whole thing got me thinking: What other things do we do that are really just placebos, dummy deeds we do to make ourselves feel in control? Just how much of our lives is rigged? Are we all being manipulated? Is there some great super-governmental force out there giving us the illusion that our opinions count?

Here's a few things that might really be placebos:

• Half the operations we do in MS Windows:
  Ever tried to force a "hanging" program to close using the task manager?
  
  
• Filing papers at any government office:
  It's a fun exercise, but do they do whatever they want, despite your requests?
  
  
• Voting in an election:
  Aren't they all rigged?
  
  
• Paying taxes:
  You pay a certain amount of tax. Your tax money doesn't go to schools and hospitals. Someone else's does. Your money goes to fitting that new executive bathroom in some fancy government building somewhere.
  
  
• Ordering a steak at a restaurant:
  You order rare, it comes out well-done, but you felt decisive and powerful telling the waitress exactly how you would like it.

So how much control do we have over our own decisions, and do they mean anything? To test this theory, I've spent the last month making random choices, spur-of-the-moment, sometimes illogical decisions about lots of different things. The idea was to see whether any decision I made would ultimately lead me to the same end, proving the theory that everything is placebo and your choices don't matter, or whether my decisions actually had an effect on things.

Without going into too many details, Hugo Chavez is still in power. I ate raw dog meat in a Chinese restaurant. I filed the requisite forms and am now receiving financial assistance from Aboriginal Business Canada. I know the names of prison guards in four different African countries. I owe money to an Atlantic City loan shark. I don't have any clothes aside from those I'm wearing, but I do have all of my fingers, some of which are in an ice-pack in my rucksack.

Witticisms

I've been spending my time collecting witty phrases to share with you. Some are from the Internet, others I made up. Enjoy:

• This device is cuter than a box of puppies
• The back seat is harder to get into than MIT
• Cheaper than pirated software
• If your tumor were any more minor it would need a hardhat with a light on it
• The engine guzzles more than a college student at spring break
• It's uglier than an Elton John outfit
• It's sexier than a 1973 Porche
• He's more washed out than a room full of Maytags
• He's as washed up as an oil-covered duck
• As useless as a chocolate kettle
• He's brighter than Hiroshima
• He's as dim as a 40 watt bulb
• The grinding noise it makes is louder than an American tourist
• More persistent than a tabloid journalist
• This perfume smells worse than a political cover-up
• This supermarket has more isles than the Hawaiian Archipelago
• More distracting than a teenager with a cell phone
• This thing has more wires than a coathanger factory
• A heater that beats cold weather like global warming
• Greener than Al Gore
• The sky is bluer than BB King
• The color is redder than China
• It's thinner than a Presidential excuse
• It's faster than a nightclub gigolo
• The price is steeper than the Andes
• It's hot enough to boil an entire monkey
• It's hotter than Satan's backside

Have you got more?