What I Know About Baseball

I had an email exchange with a co-worker today about Aussie Rules football. I have worked with him for over 5 years and so it wasn't a surprise when he replied to one of my jargon-filled emails "I even understood some of that".

He then asked me if I would like to learn about baseball. I replied with a list of all I know about the great American game:

1. Create a World Series competition and only invite North America.
2. Wear tight-fitting, striped, knee-length pants.
3. Eat peanuts and crackerjacks.
4. Sing the American anthem.
5. Cover yourself with padding, wear a vision-obscuring helmet, and signal rudely to the pitcher.
6. Shout "Strike One!", "Ball!" and "Safe!" at random moments during the game.
7. In a gravelly voice, saliva spitting from your mouth, yell the words "you're" and "out" so that it sounds like "YEROUT!" while pointing to any player.
8. Wear one oversized glove.
9. Chew gum, spit generously and swear at the umpires.
10. Hit a round ball with a round bat (something like a caveman's club).
11. Run around a diamond that covers only a small portion of the entire playing field.
12. Steal bases, but leave them behind afterwards.
13. Run home, which is the place you started from.

Not bad for an ex-pat Aussie, eh?

Witticisms

I've been spending my time collecting witty phrases to share with you. Some are from the Internet, others I made up. Enjoy:

• This device is cuter than a box of puppies
• The back seat is harder to get into than MIT
• Cheaper than pirated software
• If your tumor were any more minor it would need a hardhat with a light on it
• The engine guzzles more than a college student at spring break
• It's uglier than an Elton John outfit
• It's sexier than a 1973 Porche
• He's more washed out than a room full of Maytags
• He's as washed up as an oil-covered duck
• As useless as a chocolate kettle
• He's brighter than Hiroshima
• He's as dim as a 40 watt bulb
• The grinding noise it makes is louder than an American tourist
• More persistent than a tabloid journalist
• This perfume smells worse than a political cover-up
• This supermarket has more isles than the Hawaiian Archipelago
• More distracting than a teenager with a cell phone
• This thing has more wires than a coathanger factory
• A heater that beats cold weather like global warming
• Greener than Al Gore
• The sky is bluer than BB King
• The color is redder than China
• It's thinner than a Presidential excuse
• It's faster than a nightclub gigolo
• The price is steeper than the Andes
• It's hot enough to boil an entire monkey
• It's hotter than Satan's backside

Have you got more?